Pretend
by KyoukosSakura
Summary: Sayaka Miki is disgusted with herself. She has addictions of many sorts, including one to a certain cherry haired girl.
1. Chapter 1

Pretend.  
Sayaka pretends she doesn't mind when Hitomi runs away saying, "Girls can't love girls!"  
Sayaka pretends she doesn't mind everyone laughing at her in the change room for phys ed.  
Sayaka pretends she doesn't see Sakura Kyouko in the hallway at lunch hour.  
Sayaka goes to school every morning, and pretends she doesn't slip her fingers between her legs at night, thinking of Sakura Kyouko.  
Sayaka pretends to laugh at the homophobic jokes made by boys in her class.  
Sayaka pretends that she went to visit Kyousuke, instead of picking up some pain relievers at the pharmacy.  
Sayaka pretends she's sick the next day, when in actuality, she's still high from the pain relievers.  
Sayaka is invited to a party that night. She pretends she didn't go, and steal a pipe and marijuana from that blonde boy she liked in the fifth grade.  
Sayaka pretends she's not feeling well, and snorts cocaine with a girl called Yoshino behind the school.  
Sayaka pretends to be completely sober during arithmetic, but ends up blowing it. She winks at Kyouko, blows her kisses, and accidentally breaks down in tears to Madoka and Hitomi.  
She will never tell them.  
She quits cold turkey, pretending it's all okay now.  
She starts an online profile.  
Sayaka Miki. Female. Cisgendered Female. Heterosexual.  
And maybe online, she can pretend she's normal.  
But she'll never get that voice out of her head.  
"Girls can't love girls! It's wrong!"


	2. Chapter 2

Girls can't love girls! Of course not, Sayaka, have you not seen how none of them work out? How all the torture they go through? The bullying, and pain? Stupid, stupid, you're a fucking idiot, Sayaka.  
Another slash to each wrist.  
Sayaka watches the red liquid ooze from the gashes on her arm, and turn her bath water pink. She thinks about how people make this stuff seem poetic and beautiful, but it's all self destruction, and it's horrible.  
She wails, a fresh load of tears streaming down her face. Her back shakes, and her body convulses. She hyperventilates, panicking and sobbing and she hopes to whatever god is up there for everything to end.  
There's nothing beautiful in this pain.  
She dries herself off, careful with her marred arms. She rubs antiseptic on her cuts and covers them with gauze. A long sleeve shirt will hide them perfectly.  
She dries her face off, fixes her makeup, and practices her best fake smile in the mirror. The reflection isn't her though. It's a pretty bluehaired adolescent girl, with straight white teeth, clear skin, and big blue eyes.  
That isn't Sayaka.  
"Sayaka, hurry up, you'll be late for school!"  
"Sorry, I'll go right now!" Her voice doesn't crack.  
At school, she doesn't make eye contact with Sakura Kyouko. The cherry haired girl brings back memories of the night before, how Sayaka wished that her own fingers were Kyouko's, and that it would be her whispering sweet nothings in her ear and-  
"Sayaka, are you even listening?" Hitomi asks, eyebrows raised.  
"Sorry, got distracted, what?"  
"I was saying that if you still wanted to go to the music store with Madoka and I after school, we'd be leaving at four."  
"Yeah, sure, I'll come along."  
"Great!" Hitomi grins.  
And Sayaka doesn't miss a beat to send her one back.


	3. Chapter 3

As she's about to leave, Kyouko grabs her arm, "Yo, Miki wait up!"  
Sayaka flinches, "What?" She snaps.  
"I've been trying to talk to you for weeks! But you keep ignoring me!"  
"Guess I'm just busy." She says coldly.  
"Well too bad, I've got stuff to ask you."  
"What is it? Is it about the day in math? Because you know damn well I was stoned and nothing I said or did meant anything!"  
"Calm the fuck down, honestly, I just wanted to ask you something that wasn't related to that."  
"Fine. What is it."  
"Well if you're still into that stuff-"  
"I'm not."  
"If you're still into that stuff," Kyouko grinds her teeth, "I've got the best thing you'd ever try. Behind the school, 8 tonight, if you want it."  
Sayaka can't help all the dirty thoughts that cross her mind. She bites her tongue to stop herself from making any sound, but Kyouko's already turned around, munching on food Sayaka can assume isn't healthy.  
She releases a deep breath she hadn't realized she was holding, and Hitomi comes up beside her, along with Madoka, "That was odd. Are you ready, Sayaka?"  
She is silent when she nods, and silent all the way to the music shop.  
Madoka corners her, "Sayaka-chan..."  
"Hmm?"  
"You seem different lately."  
Sayaka tenses up.  
"Not in a bad way! Just...different. And I want you to know something."  
She meets Madoka's eyes.  
"If something's troubling you, you can always come to me. I know I'm not very great at giving advice, but I'm always willing to listen, and I'll always be your friend no matter what!"  
There are tears welling up in Sayaka's eyes, "Thanks Madoka, but really, I'm fine!"  
"Do you promise?"  
"Promise."

It's 7:30, and Sayaka is waiting anxiously by the school grounds. She jumps the fence quietly, and waits behind the school for Kyouko. Her palms are sweating, so she hastily wipes them off on her skirt.

She feels a hand on her shoulder, "You actually came."

Sayaka jumps a little, "Y-Yeah."

"Come on. We can't get caught doin' shit like this on school grounds."

Kyouko grabs her hand, and they both run, jumping fences and crossing roads, until they come to a small park.

The cherry haired girl pulls them deeper into the trees until sitting down on pink cherry blossom petals.

From the pocket of her jacket, she pulls a plastic bag, and what looks like weed, but Sayaka knows better, and this is obviously foreign.

Kyouko expertly rolls them both a blunt, and Sayaka tries to make small talk, sitting down next to her, "I didn't know you smoked."

"Only on special occasions." Kyouko says with a mysterious tone, "Why d'you?"

"Habit. I've kind of grown out of it but..."

"Withdrawl is damn hard, that's for sure."

Sayaka nods, and blows a smoke ring, watching it hang in the air before it disappears.

"Have you ever tried shotgun?"

Sayaka shakes her head no, "What's that?"

She can almost feel Kyouko's grin, as she turns to face the other girl.

"Well first you..." Kyouko leans closer to Sayaka, the tips of their noses brushing. Shocked, Sayaka wouldn't be able to move if she tried.

"And then you..." Kyouko takes a long hit. She leans in closer to Sayaka, and blows the smoke into her parted lips.

As the smoke trails out of Sayaka's lips, they both watch it float around above them, before Sayaka takes a risk, and grabs Kyouko's shoulders, and kisses her softly.

Time seems to stop around her. Kyouko tastes like chocolate, warmth, and smoke. Sayaka's heart is pumping erratically, and it feels as if it'll jump out of her chest, but she doesn't try to stop it. Her veins are on fire and her mind is racing a mile a minute, and suddenly it comes to her realization that Kyouko isn't pushing her away.


	4. Chapter 4

Sayaka tries to wash the dirty thoughts and feelings away with a hot shower that turns her skin red and raw, but it doesn't help.

She drops to her knees, biting her lip, suppressing tiny noises so her parents won't hear. Her body quivers in her own pleasure, and she thinks of Kyouko the whole time.

She curses herself out as she gets dressed for bed, but she's still on a high. As soon as she hits the pillow, she's in a sleep so deep you'd assume she was dead.

She wakes up to a golden Saturday afternoon. As she heads downstairs for food, her mother is already making lunch, "Long night?"

Sayaka nods, sitting at a stool at the kitchen counter.

"One of your friends came by this morning."

"Which one?"

"Said her name was Sakura Kyouko. Do you know her?"

Sayaka pauses. This is it, the ending of everything she knows If her mother knows about her...

"Yeah, why?"

"She brought you something. Said you'd forgot it at school yesterday."

"Oh. What is it?"

"I didn't open it, it's that box right there" Her mother nodded towards a cardboard box, so small it would fit in her palm.

"Thanks...I'll just go take this up to my room."

Sayaka grabbed the box, and skipped the stairs two at a time.

Locking her door behind her, she threw the box on her bed, sitting down next to it. Inside there was a carefully folded up note, a plastic bag with the mysterious drug in it, and one of Sayaka's barrettes.

Sayaka quickly stashed the bag in her sock drawer, and clutched the note carefully as if not to fold it anymore. Did she even want to read it?

She decided against it, and put the barrette in her jewelry box, and headed to her bathroom for another hot shower and daydreams of Kyouko.

At school, Sayaka is approached by her. Kyouko. Sayaka gives her a tight grin, "Hi?"

"Oi, what's up with you, suddenly actin' like a stranger!" Kyouko leans against the door, a stick of chocolate covered pocky hanging from between her teeth.

"Because here is a workplace, where I have to be professional about things." Sayaka mutters as a weak excuse.

"Sure weren't professional last Friday!" Kyouko laughs. Sayaka grits her teeth.

"Are you done?! I've got class."

"Fine, be boring. But meet me on the roof later during lunch. Or your mom will find out what's in that box I gave her."

"But I have plans with Madoka! You can't just order me around!"

But Kyouko is already halfway down the hall, and Sayaka notices that she adds a little more swing in her hips. Sayaka sniffs. It must be a pride thing.

Madoka comes up behind her, and grabs her wrist lightly, "Sayaka, we'll be late for class!"

She thinks that with Madoka's touch there will be pain, yet there is none, "Yeah, yeah, alright, let's go."

Though when she turns around to head to their next class with Saotome, Sayaka spots a...cat? That can't be a cat, it has four ears! "Madoka! What the hell is that!?" Sayaka runs after it, as the thing disappears around the corner.

She comes to find herself face to face with an empty hall.

Walking back to Madoka, muttering curses under her breath, is when she sees the obvious look of concern on Madoka's face. She raises an eyebrow, "S'that look for?"

"Sayaka...you're not...you know?"

It's Sayaka's turn to give a strange look.

"You're not...doing them again...are you?" Madoka's voice lowers to a whisper. She looks so young and innocent, Sayaka thinks, and she should never have to go through this pain.

"Nope. I promised you. I wasn't going to anymore." She gives Madoka the best smile she can muster, and thinks to herself for a moment, that maybe she'll skip class.


	5. Chapter 5

Review 1: From kyosayalove

_wowwhat a story. I like how you used cisgendered. Im actually_ _trans but enough of that. I feel very sad for this sayaka. Plz continue i_ _wanna see happy sayaka_ Thank you! I like to think I'm an okay writer, and coming onto the Internet and finally posting my works, and getting positive is very nice! I chose cisgendered because Sayaka can act a little boyish, and I feel that the gender identity issue would be one she would be facing, and she would try to hide it. I hope your own trans* time goes well! I hope to see Sayaka happy as well, but since I don't plan the entire plot, I'll never know until it's over. I hope you continue to read and enjoy my story! Review 2: From KSotp _eeeeeeeeeeee continue please you have a unique writing style I like it!_ I've been told my my teachers and friends that I have a different type of writing style, and it is so nice to hear it! I'm planning on finishing this story, though it'll be short. Thank you, and I hope you continue to read and review! Review 3: From Psykoakuma _This isn't bad. I'm not sure about the minimalistic writing style, but your_ _skill helps to make up for it._ _You seem... familiar with drugs. hehe! Actually I find the drug element_ _compares fairly well with magical girls continual need to purge soul gems of_ _grief. But that's just me._ Thank you! I know my style is a little different from normal, but hearing that people enjoy it is always a treat~! Actually, I've never done drugs in my life! I just know the terms :3 I agree with what you're saying. It's kind of difficult to write about but I'll try my best to make it good! 


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